Interview with Santa

Rarely does Conned! get to interview famous people- in fact, this is the first time. Here now is my exclusive interview with Santa Claus. He and I sat down in his workshop earlier this month.

CB: Santa, thanks so much for taking the time today, we all know how busy you are this time of year.

Santa Claus: No problem.

CB: I just want to start by saying thanks for all the presents over the years.

SC: My pleasure, you were always pretty good as a kid.

CB: I tried. Anyway, let's get down to it. Do you think that kids nowadays are as good as they used to be?

SC: Some years are better than others. I could sit here and tell you that kids in this decade are worse than kids in the 1960's, but I'd be lying. The naughty list varies from year to year, like this year the list is actually much shorter than last year.

CB: Any particularly naughty years that leap to mind?

SC: 1996. That was the worst Christmas for me in all my years of delivering presents. So many naughty kids that year.

CB: How come?

SC: That damn Tickle Me Elmo. Never before were so many kids nasty to their parents, and all for that ridiculous giggling muppet. I really considered hanging it up after that year. Luckily, Mrs. Claus talked me out of retiring.

CB: Lucky for all of us. I wanted to ask you, of all the movies about you, what actor captured Santa the best on screen?

SC: I think probably Ed Asner in Elf. I always liked him on the Mary Tyler Moore Show and I felt he had the right twinkle in his eye when he played me. I'm also partial to that goofball Andy Dick as my evil son in The Hebrew Hammer. That movie is hilarious.

CB: Favorite Christmas carol?

SC: It's a tie between Bing Crosby's White Christmas and Eartha Kitt's Santa Baby.

CB: I see. What is the hot toy for this year?

SC: The buzz around the workshop is that it's these Pillow Pets. I'm really encouraged that kids are going for a plush toy this year instead of so much electronic gadgetry. Plus, stuff like the Pillow Pets are so much lighter to carry in my sack than PlayStation 3s. Do you know what that's like?

CB: I don't.

SC: It's heavy. I'm not as young as I used to be, Conor.

CB: We don't want to keep you too much longer since Christmas is only a couple weeks away, but I have to ask, who is your Super Bowl pick?

SC: I'm a lifelong Browns fan, but they always stink. I've got a good feeling about the Atlanta Falcons this year.

CB: Thanks so much, Santa.

SC: My pleasure.

Eat your heart out, Doug Fabrizio.

Christmas Ornaments

Here are some of my favorite ornaments that I have collected over the years. There are many more, but I have to save something for next year, people.

UTAH JAZZ ORNAMENT

My Grandma Pat and Grandpa Chuck gave me this great basketball themed ornament back in 1995. It was great because it showcased our shared love of the Jazz. I'm always glad to pull this one out of the box, but I was even more glad this year because the team went back to the old music note logo this year. Christmas 1995 never felt so timely.

MOOSE ON WHEELS

I'm not sure where this one came from, but it's been around as long as I can remember. What's that moose got wheels for, you ask? Well, maybe he is like the Six Million Dollar Man and was rebuilt after an accident, or perhaps moose had wheels in prehistoric times and evolved out of them. Whatever the explanation is, one thing is for sure- he looks great on a Christmas tree. Sorry, She. Only the females have red antlers and blue bodies.

MEAN SANTA

This one is from a series of ornaments that we have of Santas from around the world. It depicts Santa forcing a child into his sack against his will. Obviously this kid was on the naughty list, but why is Santa putting him in a sack? My guess is that this country's version (probably Germany) of Santa takes naughty children home to feast on them. I hear that in an early version of The Night Before Christmas, Clement C. Moore had a short scene describing Santa throwing kids in his sack and melting them down in a large vat at the North Pole to use in his sugarplums. It was edited out of the story. I can't imagine why.

RED ANGEL

These angels were made by my great grandmother. At one point there were enough to cover several Christmas trees worth, but over the years they have deteriorated and now there are only a handful left. Notice the pipe cleaner halo and Ivory soap flake hair on her. Pretty cool, huh? I think more people should try to make ornaments like she did.

NAKED SANTA

Don't get all scandalized by Santa's blurry little weenus. This charming ornament was given to me by my Auntie Cher. It's really funny and always makes me giggle when I take it out of the box. I know I'm a child, but I don't care. All I have to say is it must be cold at the North Pole. Zing!