Movie of the Week

This jolly week,

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1984)

Starring- George C. Scott, David Warner, Edward Woodward, Roger Rees

Of all the versions of A Christmas Carol, this one starring Oscar winner, George C. Scott, is the darkest and scariest. The ominous nature of this retelling of Dickens' classic works well for the most part, but there are some things that make it hard to believe that Scrooge will become a better man by the end of the movie. Scott's portrayal of Scrooge is a bit evil and he seems to enjoy being mean to Bob Cratchit and everyone else a little too much. I have always thought of Scrooge as bitter and angry, not vengeful. Having said that, there is a good deal that I enjoy in this made for T.V. movie.

The acting is of a high caliber, with strong performances from the supporting cast. David Warner as Bob Cratchit, Suzanna York as Mrs. Cratchit and Frank Finlay as Marley's Ghost stand out, as does the tiniest, most sickly and cute Tiny Tim ever. Looking at him, you think that he truly might not make it to another Christmas, which is more than can be said for the Tim's of other Christmas Carols who are far to healthy looking and not at all tiny.

Humor is at a premium in this version, but there are some funny moments peppered in between the ominous overall tone of the film. Of note are the interactions between Scrooge and the Ghost of Christmas Present (Woodward), as well as the charming Fezziwig's pearls of wisdom for a young Scrooge. In the end, Scrooge makes the transition from miser to good man, but the way Scott plays it is more understated, making it seem like Scrooge will have a long road to redemption. Truly, this is more realistic, but it doesn't leave you with the same joyous feeling that A Christmas Carol usually elicits. Watch and enjoy this for the parts rather than the story as a whole, and also watch it for General Patton as Scrooge.

Things to watch for-

The Ghost of Christmas Past's fright wig
Ignorance and Want
Mrs. Cratchit takes Scrooge down a peg
Michael Gough- (Batman's Alfred) as a businessman

"Another sound from you... and you'll keep your Christmas by losing your situation."

Interview with Santa

Rarely does Conned! get to interview famous people- in fact, this is the first time. Here now is my exclusive interview with Santa Claus. He and I sat down in his workshop earlier this month.

CB: Santa, thanks so much for taking the time today, we all know how busy you are this time of year.

Santa Claus: No problem.

CB: I just want to start by saying thanks for all the presents over the years.

SC: My pleasure, you were always pretty good as a kid.

CB: I tried. Anyway, let's get down to it. Do you think that kids nowadays are as good as they used to be?

SC: Some years are better than others. I could sit here and tell you that kids in this decade are worse than kids in the 1960's, but I'd be lying. The naughty list varies from year to year, like this year the list is actually much shorter than last year.

CB: Any particularly naughty years that leap to mind?

SC: 1996. That was the worst Christmas for me in all my years of delivering presents. So many naughty kids that year.

CB: How come?

SC: That damn Tickle Me Elmo. Never before were so many kids nasty to their parents, and all for that ridiculous giggling muppet. I really considered hanging it up after that year. Luckily, Mrs. Claus talked me out of retiring.

CB: Lucky for all of us. I wanted to ask you, of all the movies about you, what actor captured Santa the best on screen?

SC: I think probably Ed Asner in Elf. I always liked him on the Mary Tyler Moore Show and I felt he had the right twinkle in his eye when he played me. I'm also partial to that goofball Andy Dick as my evil son in The Hebrew Hammer. That movie is hilarious.

CB: Favorite Christmas carol?

SC: It's a tie between Bing Crosby's White Christmas and Eartha Kitt's Santa Baby.

CB: I see. What is the hot toy for this year?

SC: The buzz around the workshop is that it's these Pillow Pets. I'm really encouraged that kids are going for a plush toy this year instead of so much electronic gadgetry. Plus, stuff like the Pillow Pets are so much lighter to carry in my sack than PlayStation 3s. Do you know what that's like?

CB: I don't.

SC: It's heavy. I'm not as young as I used to be, Conor.

CB: We don't want to keep you too much longer since Christmas is only a couple weeks away, but I have to ask, who is your Super Bowl pick?

SC: I'm a lifelong Browns fan, but they always stink. I've got a good feeling about the Atlanta Falcons this year.

CB: Thanks so much, Santa.

SC: My pleasure.

Eat your heart out, Doug Fabrizio.

Movie of the Week

This merry week,

ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969)

Starring- George Lazenby, Diana Rigg, Telly Savalas, Bernard Lee

This film is what I refer to as the Christmas Bond, because a majority of the action takes place around that holiday. No, Bond doesn't foil a plot by SPECTRE to steal Christmas, he instead must stop a deadly virus from spreading while navigating a bevy of beauties, and out-skiing the bad guys with his bride to be. The film not only contains the best ski chases ever, it also features the debut of George Lazenby as James Bond. After a worldwide search for Sean Connery's replacement, producers Broccooli and Saltzman settled on the Australian model turned actor for his good looks and strong presence in the fight auditions. It was up to veteran Bond editor Peter Hunt, who was directing his first 007 feature, to make Lazenby as believable in the dramatic scenes as he was in the action scenes.

Hunt does a serviceable job in making Lazenby a strong 007, and surrounded him with gifted veteran actors to help him. Diana Rigg as the lead Bond girl, Tracy, turns in a fabulous performance. She's so good in fact that our James can't help but ask her to marry him. Menacing the happy couple is Telly Savalas as Blofeld. Savalas is a bit uncouth and too American as the super villain, but he poses a nice physical threat to 007, especially in the deadly bobsled chase. Rounding out the cast are Bond staples Bernard Lee (M), Desmond Llewelyn (Q) and Lois Maxwell (Moneypenny) who provide continuity, and Gabrielle Ferzetti and Ilse Steppat as Tracy's likeable crime lord father and Blofeld's nasty henchwoman, respectively. If this film had starred Connery, it would have been the best in the series, but alas, it does not. Lazenby does his best, and while not great he is not bad enough to derail a stunningly beautiful and action packed movie.

Right off the bat the story grabs you and doesn't let go until the tragic climax. In between we get treated to some witty dialogue courtesy of writer Richard Maibaum, brutal fight scenes cut together in an innovative new way by editor John Glen and groundbreaking ski action filmed by Willy Bogner and Johnny Jordan. This film did for skiing what Thunderball did for underwater work. I am still amazed by some of the stunt work in this film as Bond skis away from Piz Gloria on one ski while being chased by SPECTRE agents, or when he avoids a giant avalanche. While Lazenby is a bit wooden at times, he has some nice moments that shine through. It is a pity that we never got to see what he might have been capable of since he decided to leave the role of 007 after one film.

Many say that this film is marred by Lazenby's work as Bond and do not rank it with the best of the series, but that is unfair to Lazenby and to the film. I do put it in the top ten, and say that the shortcomings are far outweighed by the strengths. Connery would return in 1971's Diamonds are Forever and while it would be nice to see him back as 007, I can say that his return was not anywhere near as good OHMSS. So for a little holiday action and adventure, strap in and say- Merry Christmas, 007!

Things to watch for-

Earlobes
The janitor whistling the 'Goldfinger' theme
The stock car race
John Barry's iconic theme song
Bezants
M's house
Louis Armstrong's 'We Have All the Time in the World'

"This never happened to the other fella."

Movie of the Week

Christmas movie time, kids.

This merry week,

SCROOGED (1988)

Starring- Bill Murray, Karen Allen, John Forsythe, Alfre Woodard

The greatest Christmas story of all is Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. If Dickens had been working 1988 it's likely that Ebenzer Scrooge would have been a jerk T.V. executive who treats his employees like crap, hates Christmas and tries to staple antlers to a mouse's head. Even though Dickens was long gone by 1988, filmmakers gave us a very apt update of the classic tale of redemption in the form of Scrooged. In the film, Bill Murray plays Frank Cross, a jerk T.V. executive who treats his employees like crap, hates Christmas and tries to staple antlers to a mouse's head- go figure!

Murray is the perfect blend of smug and silly as Cross, who is forced to reexamine his mistakes when three ghosts take him on a Scroogian journey of Christmases past, present and future. Along the way, Frank sees his somewhat unhappy childhood, how he won and lost the love of his life, Claire (Allen) and how he became the vindictive head of the IBC television network. Among the shows that Frank has on his network are the violent, The Night the Reindeer Died, and a cheesy, live version of A Christmas Carol that nicely parallels his own journey throughout the film. Just like you would expect, Frank is redeemed in the end, but only after some of the funniest scenes in Christmas movie history.

Of particular note are the ghosts of Christmas Past and Present who steal the show. David Johansen is the crude, cab driving, cigar smoking Ghost of Christmas Past who uses his knowledge of T.V. to call Frank on his made up childhood, and Carol Kane is the sweet fairy-like Ghost of Christmas Present who beats the snot out of Frank to get her point across. I always laugh hysterically when she hits him in the face with a toaster. Conversely, I always tear up at the end when the film's version of Tiny Tim makes us all aware of what Christmas is all about. Even though Scrooged is absolutely a comedy, it has heart and harkens back to Dickens' original message about the true spirit of the season and why people need a little love in their heart.

Things to watch for-

Bob Goulet's Old Fashioned Cajun Christmas
Five pounds of veal
Bobcat Goldthwait as the shotgun toting Eliot Loudermilk
Vodka and Tab
Robert Mitchum says 'butt head'
The Ballbreaker Suite
Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim

"If you TOUCH ME AGAlN, I'll rip your goddamn wings off! Okay?"

Christmas Ornaments

Here are some of my favorite ornaments that I have collected over the years. There are many more, but I have to save something for next year, people.

UTAH JAZZ ORNAMENT

My Grandma Pat and Grandpa Chuck gave me this great basketball themed ornament back in 1995. It was great because it showcased our shared love of the Jazz. I'm always glad to pull this one out of the box, but I was even more glad this year because the team went back to the old music note logo this year. Christmas 1995 never felt so timely.

MOOSE ON WHEELS

I'm not sure where this one came from, but it's been around as long as I can remember. What's that moose got wheels for, you ask? Well, maybe he is like the Six Million Dollar Man and was rebuilt after an accident, or perhaps moose had wheels in prehistoric times and evolved out of them. Whatever the explanation is, one thing is for sure- he looks great on a Christmas tree. Sorry, She. Only the females have red antlers and blue bodies.

MEAN SANTA

This one is from a series of ornaments that we have of Santas from around the world. It depicts Santa forcing a child into his sack against his will. Obviously this kid was on the naughty list, but why is Santa putting him in a sack? My guess is that this country's version (probably Germany) of Santa takes naughty children home to feast on them. I hear that in an early version of The Night Before Christmas, Clement C. Moore had a short scene describing Santa throwing kids in his sack and melting them down in a large vat at the North Pole to use in his sugarplums. It was edited out of the story. I can't imagine why.

RED ANGEL

These angels were made by my great grandmother. At one point there were enough to cover several Christmas trees worth, but over the years they have deteriorated and now there are only a handful left. Notice the pipe cleaner halo and Ivory soap flake hair on her. Pretty cool, huh? I think more people should try to make ornaments like she did.

NAKED SANTA

Don't get all scandalized by Santa's blurry little weenus. This charming ornament was given to me by my Auntie Cher. It's really funny and always makes me giggle when I take it out of the box. I know I'm a child, but I don't care. All I have to say is it must be cold at the North Pole. Zing!

Movie of the Week

This Merry Week,

A CHRISTMAS STORY (1983)

Starring- Darren McGavin, Melinda Dillon, Peter Billingsley

There is a reason that this movie is played for 24 hours on Christmas- it is awesome. This small budget effort, based on the short stories of Jean Shepherd, has become an American institution since it was made in 1983. The story focuses on Ralphie Parker, a boy who wants a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas, and who will stop at nothing to get one- even though everyone says that "He'll shoot his eye out." Even though this is the central thrust of the film, the real charm comes from the portrayal of the life of a midwestern family during the depression. It is a nice encapsulation of a simpler time when kids listened to the radio for fun, milk was the operative beverage and dads were referred to as "the old man."

This movie is rife with memorable scenes and lines that I find myself quoting as soon as the calendar turns to December. The best thing about A Christmas Story is that everyone in the family can enjoy it and relate to it. We can all remember a Christmas when we were young when there was one toy that we wanted more than anything, just like Ralphie's blue steel beauty, and how sweet it was when we woke up to find it under the tree. Ralphie is the every-kid, and even if we never heard Little Orphan Annie or watched our friend stick his tongue to a frozen lamppost, we had similar experiences. I wonder what people did before this movie came out, and then I thank the filmmakers for getting this film in the can the year I was born.

Things to watch for-

Flick (He became a porn star)

The Bumpis Hounds

The Old Man's major award

This thing which tells time

Chinese Turkey

"Oh, Fudge."

The Saddest Christmas Song Ever

Everyone is all about that song 'The Christmas Shoes' this year, but before that craptacular band New Song raped our ears, there was a sadder, more pointless song. The song of which I speak is 'The Little Boy that Santa Claus Forgot' by Nat King Cole. I really like Nat King Cole, but I'm sorry, this song is so awful that I question his intelligence. Who thought that a song about a boy who gets no presents for Christmas and is sad would put people in a good holiday mood? At least 'The Christmas Shoes' has a moral to it, albeit a stupid, convoluted moral, but there is no moral to 'The Little Boy Who Santa Claus Forgot.'

Here are the lyrics, so you can see what I mean.

He's the little boy who Santa Claus forgot,

and goodness knows he didn't want a lot.

He sent a note to Santa for some soldiers and a drum,

It broke his little heart when Santa didn't come

In the street he envies all those lucky boys

Then wanders home to play with last year's broken toys

I'm so sorry for that laddie

He hasn't got a daddy

He's the little boy that Santa Claus forgot

Wow, that makes me feel so good about Christmas, how about you? WTF? The song might have been good if the boy were a little turd who was greedy and rude to his parents and acted like a dick to his friends, and Santa not coming taught him a lesson, but no, this little boy is a nice kid who only wanted some soldiers and a drum. A drum! Come on, Santa! It's not like he was asking for something outrageous like Beatles Rock Band- he just wanted a drum. Oh, and by the way, this kid doesn't have a dad! Yeah, I forgot that Santa has a thing against kids without dads. Maybe this kid should get together with the kid from Christmas Shoes and form a therapy group called Shitty Christmas. I like to be happy at Christmas, but thanks to this song I'm now so jaded that I hope I choke on some fruitcake.

Movie of the Week

This Jolly Week,

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1938)

Starring- Reginald Owen, Gene Lockhart, Leo G. Carroll

Most, including me, say that the 1951 version of A Christmas Carol is the best, but this 1938 edition is still quite good. While it is not as faithful to the original Dickens book, and has a less scary, family friendly feel to it, there is a certain charm that makes me smile when I watch it every Christmas. Ebenezer Scrooge is played by veteran actor, Reginald Owen who portrays the protagonist as irritated and easily won over by the spirits sent to change him. I think this film comes from a more optimistic, hopeful viewpoint that shows good to be always superior to anger and bitterness. Some other adaptations of this story make Scrooge almost too unsympathetic, but here Owen forces you to root for Scrooge to become a happy-go-lucky guy.

The colorized version of this film is cheesy and if you can find it in black and white I encourage that. Equally cheesy, but also charming is the portrayal of the Cratchit family. Bob is clearly too well-fed to be that poor, the kids are a little too taken with the goose they have for Christmas dinner, and Tiny Tim is very healthy looking and kind of a perv. I laugh sometimes at some of the elements of this movie, but at its core is the great message of retribution and the embrace of Christmas. I hope that this movie brings you as much joy and laughter as it does to me every single Christmas season.

Things to Watch for-

Having a slide

Bob's Snowball lesson

June Lockhart (the mom from Lassie) as a Cratchit daughter

A Very Jolly Ghost of Christmas Present

Scrooge biting his coins

"I'd like to stroke it."

Movie of the Week

For the Christmas/Holiday season I will be devoting my movie of the week posts to Christmas movies. This week,

HOME ALONE (1990)

Starring- Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, Catherine O'Hara

This movie flat out rules. I remember seeing it in the theatre as an 8 year old for my friend's birthday. It was all I could do not to entice burglars into the house while my mom was gone to assault them with homemade booby traps. Everyone wanted to be Kevin McAllister, and rightly so. I am assuming most of you have seen this movie and are well acquainted with it, so I will not bore you with a synopsis or review. Instead I will present a conjecture of what happened to the main characters in the last 19 years.

GUS WALINSKI-

The 'Polka King of the Midwest' and his band the Kenosha Kickers were inducted into the Polka Hall of Fame, but were unable to attend because they were on their 'Polka Polka Polka' Tour of Europe.

HARRY AND MARV-

They spent 6 to 10 years in prison as the bitches of Dr. Hate, but finally were set free after Dr. Hate was shanked during movie night. Once they paid their debt to society, Harry opened a Pawn Shop in Hackinsack, NJ and Marv starred in and directed a semi-autobiographical low budget adult film called 'Wett Bandit.'

KEVIN'S PARENTS-

Narrowly avoided having all their children taken away by child protective services after leaving Kevin behind twice. Have since over-compensated by adopting three Cambodian babies who are never out of their sight and sleep in the same bed with them. Those children are now in foster homes.

BUZZ-

Buzz is living in Chicago with his boyfriend Mitch Murphy (the kid across the street). They own and operate a Pet Store that specializes in tarantulas.

UNCLE FRANK-

He is still a total cheapskate, and as was arrested for stealing crystal wine glasses from a hotel room in Ft. Lauderdale.

FULLER-

He is a therapist who works exclusively with children who are bed wetters. He is the author of the best selling book "Outer Dampness, Inner Pain."

KEVIN-

After many years of therapy, he went back to New York and opened up a Pizza joint in Queens that serves only Cheese Pizzas called Old Man Marley's.

Things to Watch for-

John Candy as The Polka King of the Midwest

A French Jimmy Stewart

Acey, Snakes and Johnny

Buzz's Girlfriend- Woof!

"Keep the change, ya filthy animal."

Things I Think- Holiday Edition

These are a few musings I have about the Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, Voodoo Day season. This time of year makes me think about a lot of things, and because I am filled with a generous spirit in this time of giving, I will share them with you.

I used to think that a fake Christmas tree was unacceptable, but now I think that they are awesome. It is so much easier to put up and deal with, I love it. A friend thought our tree was real too, which shows how far the fake tree industry has come in their ability to duplicate pine needles, etc.

I think that everyone needs to learn a bit about the real history behind the holidays this time of year brings us. Jesus wasn't born in December, many of the traditions we engage in are not Christian, they are Pagan, and Kwanzaa was created by a college professor.

I think Christmas trees that have a variety of ornaments are the most fun and interesting.

I think I would buy a really expensive Christmas village if I had a lot of extra money. I think I would get the Dickensian one- it has little Scrooge and Marley figures.

I think it is important to do something for someone else that might not have as much as you. I also think that it doesn't need to be Christmas to do said thing.

I think that doing some of the things you did as a kid helps make this time of year still seem magical. For example, I like to look through some of the books that I loved to read as kid at Christmas.

I think Santa Claus would be pissed if he knew the Discovery Channel and National Geographic were trying to uncover his lair. Leave the man alone, all he wants to do is bring toys to all of us.

I think Kay Jewelers and Zales need to seriously rethink their holiday ad campaigns.

I think alcohol is necessary to really enjoy most family parties.

I think that people who have to go to three or four places on Christmas deserve a medal. I have been one of them. It ain't easy.

I think that the 1951 version of 'A Christmas Carol' starring Alistair Sim is the definitive one.

I think I'll go have some sort of nog. Egg?