St. Patrick's Day

One of my favorite holidays is National Drinking Day, or as it is also known, St. Patrick's day. I was actually supposed to be born on March 17th, but I was fashionably late and born on the 20th. Nevertheless, I have always felt a connection to the day of Shamrocks, Leprechauns and Guinness. Here now is the prescription for how to spend the perfect St. Patrick's Day.

7:00 AM- Wake up. Sneak to the shower and hope not to be pinched since you'll be naked while you bathe. I use a green towel just to protect myself from any opportunistic pinchers who want to get me on my way to and from the shower.

8:00 AM- Dressed in a generous amount of green (I look great in green, by the way) sit down for a big bowl of Lucky Charms...and a Guinness.

9:00 AM- Drive to work. Make sure that you've got some Clancy Brothers or Dubliners playing on the old car stereo.

10:00 AM- Pinch the crap out of any co-workers not wearing green. Kiss any good looking co-workers that have 'Kiss Me I'm Irish' buttons or shirts on. Probably not this guy.

11:00 AM- Have a potato for a snack and Google 'blarney.'

11:45 AM- Take an early lunch and go to a pub for some traditional Irish fare.

1:30 PM- Call in sick to work after a few pints of Guinness and a few shots of Jameson.

4:40 PM- Head home from the pub. Try to avoid fighting your brother-in-law as you make your way through town.

6:00 PM- Sit down to a nice plate of corned beef and cabbage and watch The Leprechaun, followed by Darby O'Gill and the Little People.

9:00 PM- Fall asleep mumbling some U2 lyrics.

If you're lucky you'll have a St. Patrick's Day to remember, just like this one.

Some Bests

I've been a bit busy this week, so you'll have to forgive my lack of blog posts. With that said, prepare to be amazed.

Here are some things/people that are the best in a particular category. This list is legally binding.

Best Jedi- Yoda

Best Bumper Sticker Slogan-
"If it's petty don't sweat it and if it's sweaty don't pet it."

Best Month- March

Best Fifth Beatle- Billy Preston

Best Police Academy Film- Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol

Best Entertaining Nerd- Ira Glass

Best Greek Food in Salt Lake- Greek Souvlaki

Best Beer in Salt Lake- Epic

Best Unelected President- Gerald Ford

Best Stand-up Comic- TIE- Patton Oswalt/Gallagher

Best Wife- Mine, duh!

Remember When?

I remember things, do you?

Remember when the word celebrity meant that someone was famous for something worthwhile, like being a good actor or actress or achieving something meaningful? Not like say, The Situation or Bristol Palin or Kate Gosselin?

Remember when every movie wasn't in 3D? Two dimensions was always good enough for me at the movies. Since when did it become necessary to have everything in 3D? I'm no expert, but I think Eat, Pray, Love would be just fine in 2D.

Remember when M & M's had plain and peanut and almond and that was it? Now there's pretzel and coconut and dark chocolate. What's next, raisin? I still want to get the light brown ones back in place of blue. Oh well.

Remember Crystal Pepsi? That was really good stuff, so refreshing, but really not at all like Pepsi. I think they should bring it back. It can't be any worse than all those foul tasting energy drinks.

Remember when shows like Hoarders weren't on T.V. and we only observed people like that from across the street in our neighborhoods?

Remember when hacky sacks were cool? I do, it was seventh grade for me.

O.M.G. McFlippy's

I like to eat out when I can.  Usually I will go out with my wife to a nice place, but sometimes we’ll slum it. Sometimes we’ll just pile in the car and go on down to Chili’s or TGI Friday’s or Applebee’s.  Remember when Applebee’s started that new ad campaign?  They tried to kind of upscale their ads and logo, so that it didn’t look like such a dank nightmare of a chain. I know, let’s get that good looking John Corbett to be our spokesperson, that’ll show ‘em! I’ve probably only eaten at Applebee’s three or four times, but I’ve been to Chili’s and TGI Friday’s more often, but I can tell you that I feel the same way about all of them. They suck. I’m sorry if you like to eat at these places, but to me they could all be combined into one annoying super-chain so that we could just simplify our lives.  What the hell, let’s throw Red Robin and Wingers and Johnny Rockets and Ruby Tuesday’s in there too.  That’s where we’ll be someday, there will be just one stupid super chain restaurant. It’ll have all the charm and crap that all these places have. It’ll be called O.M.G. McFlippy’s and it’ll have a slogan like- “Flip in some flavor, neighbor!” 

So, you’ll walk in and on the speakers at some ungodly decibel is some shitty old Sugar Ray song from 1998, and some girl with a headset greets you at the door, and they walk you way the hell around the restaurant into some hidden alcove somewhere where you find your table.  I didn’t even know this part of the building existed. Of course there’ll be some huge family with like seven kids at the table next to you, and there’s spilled milk and pasta and pieces of cheese all over the place. Let's see what there is to eat.

Guess what O.M.G. McFlippy's has to offer-

-So much crazy crap on the walls

            -License plates from other states? Get outta here!

            -Hub caps- no way!

            -Wacky old posters

-Drink menus with huge pictures of punch bowl sized drinks with names like-

            -Razzleberry Mucho Gusto Margarita

            -Diablo Daquiri

            -Ragin’ Cajun Mondo Mixer Martini

            -Blended Blitz Bacardi Bomb

The 80 page menu with pictures of the most garish items.

-Appetizers which include-

            -Southwestern Shrimp Sizzlers

            -Ranch Dippers

            -Potato Skin Shooters

            -Deep Fried Mozarella Finger Twisters with 6 delicious dipping sauces

            -Twelve Alarm Toxic Atomic Boneless Wings- that are so hot- you’ll shit the bed!

-Entrees

            -Salads that have more dressing than anything else

            -Jack Daniels Shrimp, Sirloin, Chicken, Pork Ribs, Beef Ribs, Scallops, Lobster, Burgers, Tripe, Veal, Lamb Chops, Pork Chops, Venison, T-Bone, Porterhouse, Filet, Flank Steak, Rib Eye, London Broil and Bacon Wrapped Cheese.

            -Fish and Chips with a 50/1 breading to fish ratio

            -Fajitas served on the hottest skillet imaginable

           

-Desserts

            -Molten Peach Cobbler

            -Molten Chocolate Thunder Volcano Cake

            -Molten Cheesecake

            -Molten Apple Strudel

            -Molten Jack Daniels Deep Fried Cookie Dough Mound with Ice Cream

And for those customers who are too obese and ashamed to come in, don’t worry because we’ll bring your 9 Appetizer platters and your Jack Daniels’ Ribwich basket out to your Dodge Neon, free of charge! 

Favorite Salt Lake Places

I have lived in Salt Lake City my whole life, and as such I feel like I know it well. The city has its problems, like any city, but it also has some great local flavor. Here now are a few of my favorite hang outs/restaurants/bars/etc. in Salt Lake.

HIRES BIG H

There are three locations for this famous restaurant, but the definitive one is on 7th East and 4th South in Salt Lake. I have been eating at Hires since I was a kid, and have always loved it. Its really not very ballsy as a Salt Laker to say, "I love Hires" because, frankly, who doesn't? That is the point though, the fries, the onion rings, the frosty mugs of root beer and the Big H with that fabulous sauce are the stuff of Utah legend. The shakes and freezes are amazing too, in case you didn't already know.

THE PIE

Walk down the stairs and into the dark brick-walled pizza joint that has been feeding University of Utah students for decades, and you will be changed forever. Just like Hires, the Pie is an institution in Salt Lake. With pizza so cheesy that it makes cows cry, and pitchers of cola or beer on the table, its impossible to leave the Pie hungry or unsatisfied. While the pizza is great, the best thing is the Cheese Pull Apart with a side of ranch and marinara. Again, most people from Salt Lake will not be surprised by  my picking the Pie, but I don't care.

THE BAR X

Gone, but never forgotten, The Bar X was Salt Lake's greatest watering hole. Serving the coldest beer in town, it gained a steady following of regulars that were drawn to its no frills atmosphere and the transcendent "appetizer platter." We can only hope that when it re-opens it retains some of the dank magic that made it so great in its heyday.

Companies That Should Sponsor Me

I think that I would do very well as a walking billboard for certain companies, and in fact, I already feel like I am some of the time. This blog entry is a plea to all those company presidents and marketing people to send me free stuff, so that I might tell people how awesome said stuff is.

Ralph Lauren Polo Brand Polo Shirts

I wear pretty much exclusively these shirts. If you know me, you know this to be true. I think its a no-brainer. Send me some shirts, Ralph! I'm already like the Salt Lake City branch of your company, deputize me already.

Crystal Light

This stuff is great. I mix up a big batch of lemonade or raspberry lemonade a few times a week to quench my thirst. Send me powder packets please, and I'll tell everyone about the deliciousness of Crystal Light.

Apple Computers

Guess what kind of computer this blog is written on? That's right, the old MacBook does pretty well, but I could use a new one. I also love my iPod, but its a little outdated too. I tell everyone I know that Macs rule, and that they blow PCs out of the water. That alone should get me a coupon for an iPad. Whattaya say, Jobs?

Beverages I Enjoy

I like a nice beverage. Some I only like at certain times, but others I enjoy all the time. Here now is a list of some of my favorite beverages, and when I like them.

Miller High Life- This is my favorite low-end beer. I can enjoy it at a party where I don't need to impress anyone. I'll drink it as a tall boy, but I prefer it in a bottle. It is, after all, the Champagne of Beers.

Newcastle Brown Ale- I love this beer. It can be drunk on its own or with a meal. I have found it to be surprisingly good with Mexican food and burgers. Go figure!

Cutthroat Pale Ale- This is my favorite Utah microbrew. It is from the Uinta brewery and I think it is vastly better on tap than in a bottle. But if you twist my arm, I'll drink it out of the bottle.

Raspberry Lemonade Crystal Light- I mix up a pitcher of this a few times a week. It is so satisfyingly thirst quenching I can't even explain it. This goes well with a nice sandwich, chips and pickle. MMMMM.

Ginger Ale- This used to be my favorite drink, and I had it around all the time. I had to stop drinking it because of the sugar, hence the switch to Crystal Light. I'll only have it on special occasions like Christmas now. If you're having me over, Schweppes is my favorite. Canada Dry is swill. I'll drink jock strap sweat out of a shot glass before I drink Canada Dry.

Gin/Vodka and Tonic- A great summer beverage. A little G&T or V&T is a great way to relax on the deck at the cabin. Make sure to have it with a squeeze of lime.

Scotch and Soda- I don't need a really spendy Scotch, I like Dewars or Cutty Sark or McClelland's. This is what I enjoy in the fall and winter. I was told I needed a cold weather cocktail, and this is what I came up with. I also like it because the soda makes it bubbly.

Some Others I Enjoy-

Cherry Coke Zero

Dr. Pepper

Arizona Tea Arnold Palmer

Squatter's Full Suspension Pale Ale

Kilt Lifter Ale

Guinness (On St. Patrick's Day)

Damn, I'm thirsty. Happy drinking!