I stumbled across these Top Ten Lists I intended to send to Dave Letterman a few years ago, but never did. Now you can enjoy them. Eat your heart out, Dave.
Top Ten Least Popular Valentine’s Day Card Sayings
10. You really turn my crank!
9. I’m glad that rash finally cleared up.
8. Let’s always get arrested together.
7. I love you, Jon Gosselin.
6. I can’t live without you…unless you cheat on me, and then I’ll cut you.
5. I love you from the heart of my bottom.
4. You’re not as ugly as your sister.
3. Keep it real, Babe.
2. ZZ Top was right, you’ve got legs- and you know how to use them.
1. I’m 50% sure you’re the one!
Top Ten Least Popular Broadway Shows
10. The Muzak Man
9. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Restroom
8. Scranton!
7. Greece
6. Regis Get Your Gun
5. Burger King and I
4. Little Shop of Whores
3. Rent, With an Option to Buy
2. Pole Cats
1. The Phantom of the Jiffy Lube
Top Ten Signs You’re At a Bad Sundance Film
10. The only Sound Effects are a guy in the corner with a whoopee cushion.
9. The leathery faced guy next to you won’t shut up about how ‘Sneakers’ blows this movie away.
8. The post film interview is with a teamster named Norm.
7. The big chase scene was filmed in a broom closet.
6. The gift bags consist of Mini Ritzes and tube socks.
5. During the 3rd hour the director comes out and thanks you for making it to the halfway point.
4. The “hot young talent” in the film is Mickey Rooney.
3. Its being projected on a bed sheet in the stock room of the neighborhood Walgreens.
2. The after party is held at the star’s parents’ motel room.
1. It’s the Dave Letterman biography.