Things I Think

I think you'll like what I have to say today.

I think that people need to wake up and see that the Olive Garden is a huge rip off. The food there is not that good, and it is actually kind of expensive. When I go to a chain I expect decent food that is relatively cheap. I don't want to spend $30 for two meals. I can spend less and get a way better meal at many, many non-cheesy, non-chain restaurants. Have you tried the breadsticks, though? Fabulous.

I think McDonald's is probably evil, but the McMuffin is like ambrosia.

I think golf is more fun to watch on T.V. than baseball.

I think it's okay to tip 10% at a restaurant if you're a celebrity who has millions and her own show, because the recession has been hard on diners, but not really on waiters and waitresses.

I think that people with lots of tattoos will be sorry when they get old.

I think that college football is awesome live.

I think dog clothes are usually kind of tacky, but they can also be dignified and useful.

I think Michael Jackson peaked in 1987 with Bad.

I think everyone should vote.

I think that Tom Hanks' best movie was Dragnet, and yes, I've seen Forrest Gump, Philadelphia and Castaway. He's just really funny in Dragnet.

I think if any of this offended you, you need to relax, and remember that when you're at the Olive Garden, you're family.

Boo! Part II

In the last installment, I provided you with some rules for Halloween costumes. I hope it was helpful. Who am I kidding, of course it was! This time I will regale you with tales of my best Halloween costumes.

INDIANA JONES- I've been Indy twice, once when I was 8 and again at 16. I was a better Indy at 8 oddly enough. I think the key to this costume's greatness was to put some dirt and fake blood on my face. See, I think I look pretty damn good for an eight year old.

DR. PETER VENKMAN- This costume was so awesome I wore it both of the last two years. I think it might be the most accurate costume I've ever had. The real credit here goes to the wife for ordering the stuff and putting it all together. Not only was the jumpsuit cool,

I used my childhood proton pack to help build a new, super sweet proton pack. Save your toys, kids, they may come in handy some day. P.S. Ghostbusters Rule!

THE COUNT- Being a Muppet can be difficult, but you can pull it off if you don't insist on having someone put their hand up your butt. I was 6 when I was the Count, and my Grandma made me a killer costume complete with green cape and sash. Some no-nothings thought I was a Vampire, but to those with a discerning eye I was clearly the one and only Count. Idiots.

CHARLIE BROWN- This costume was easy, but cool. My wife was Lucy and we were super cute. At least that's what everyone told us at the time.

OBI WAN KENOBI- Cloak? Check. Boots? Check. Lightsaber? Check. The wife made this badass costume for me a few years back, and I've worn it well. Little known fact: Jedis love to dance.

Boo! Part I

Halloween is right around the corner, and as such I have some thoughts, go figure. I have always liked this holiday because it allowed me, a theatre kid, to dress up in a costume and makeup. In the absence of any other days/occasions to get dressed up as an adult, I relish Halloween these days. With that said, I feel that there are some rules that must be adhered to with Halloween costumes.

Number One- pre-made, bagged, everything in one package costumes are super weak. I can't even begin to say how much I abhor a crappy, poorly fitting, generic costume. Just

to let you know, Indiana Jones doesn't wear a shirt with his name on it, so save yourself the humiliation and put the costume together yourself.

Number Two- A pair of bunny ears, a witch hat or devil horns is not a costume. Try a little harder, or don't bother. "Look, I'm a kitty. See the ears?" No, you're an idiot in a poor excuse for a costume. Go home, you're killing the mood.

Number Three- A festive fall or Halloween sweater is not a costume. This might be worse than number two because at least then you're trying to be something else. In this case you're just a loser in a fugly sweater. Was the D.I. having a sale? Nice sweater.

Number Four- Group costumes are awesome. Anytime you can get a group to commit and follow through on a costume idea is a major coup. I have a hard time committing to a costume, and I understand how working with others complicates things. I give major points to groups.

Number Five- Couples costumes are great too. Just like group costumes, couples who do funny or cool stuff together can be really sweet. I have done a couple of these with the wife, and they have always gotten a good response. This can be super lame though, so watch out for those loser couples that do costumes that look like a Sadie Hawkins matching outfit. "We're wearing Hawaiian shirts. We're being Hawaiian for Halloween." No, you're not.

Number Six- Go for funny. I have seen some great funny costumes. Funny trumps scary any day in my book. Scary is tough to do well, so unless you are a makeup artist, keep it simple and funny.

Number Seven- Masks suck. They suck for the person wearing them, and they are a total cop out.

That's all, but tune in later for more Halloween musings.

Movie of the Week

This week,

HALLOWEEN (1978)

Starring- Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, P.J. Soles

Directed by John Carpenter

Of all the slasher/serial killer/thriller movies, this is my favorite. Made with a tiny budget, a relatively unknown cast, and a William Shatner mask, Halloween set the standard for a new wave of scary movies. Forget Freddie and Jason, I'm a Michael Myers fan. Admittedly, there is a lot of cheesey stuff in this movie, but I'm sorry to say it still scares me.

Set in Haddonfield, Illinois, this film chronicles the return of Michael Myers to his hometown to finish a killing spree he started as a small boy. He is the epitome of evil, and is hunted by the very knowledgeable expository character, Dr. Loomis (Pleasence). Jamie Lee Curtis plays the prime target of Myers' murderous rampage, and makes her scream-queen mother proud in her breakout performance. The amateurish look of the film adds to the scariness, and there are few things more haunting than the eerie score, composed by director and writer John Carpenter.

Forget the compromised new Halloween by Rob Zombie, or the many craptacular sequels like H20 or whatever, and watch the original again, or for the first time. Even though there are a few predictable and even annoying parts, there are enough good scares to make this my favorite Halloween movie.

Things to watch for-

Sexy teenagers who meet untimely ends

Wire hangers/knitting needles save lives

The bitchin' van

A potential sequel?

"Was that the Boogey Man?"

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

I get irritated like anyone else, but some things get me really riled up. Here now are some of my biggest pet peeves.

YOUR signifies ownership. YOU'RE is a contraction for YOU ARE. Now, tell me what's wrong with this sentence I found on Facebook. "Your so lucky that I know your gay."

People who end sentences with "at" are officially on my list. Not only does it sound so unintelligent, but it could not be more grammatically incorrect. I want to know where you are, not where you are at.

Salt Lake City drivers cannot in their wildest dreams figure out a four way stop. The first person there goes first. If you arrive at the same time then the person to the right gets to go first. It's that simple. Don't try to be nice and let me go, what is nice is following the rules. That would be the nicest thing to do.

Terms like "let's touch base," "win-win," "24/7," and "reinvent the wheel."

People who say there are no dumb questions. Guess what there are. How about this one- "Who discovered the moon?"

People who go to a party, but don't eat or drink anything. Just pretend! It is not that hard, and when you don't at least try, everyone thinks you're weird and it makes them feel uneasy.

That's all for now, but I can probably find some more stuff to get pissed off about.

An Open Letter to Music

Dear Music,

Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste- they call me, Dr. Love. I wanted to tell you that I love your ways, everyday. I will always love you, because I remember where I was when I first listened to the music. I know that it's a long way to the top, but I think that you do so much to Help! all the lonely people. Where do they all come from anyway? I digress. All those lonely days in my room all by myself made me feel like a natural woman (man). It was like a hurricane when I went my own way and heard that old time rock and roll. It was all I could do not to twist and shout and rock and roll all nite. I'll admit it was hard to hide my love away, but I guess that's why they call it the blues. You have made a supersonic man out of me, and the man in me is flying like an eagle because you have been there for me on all those nights- the hard day's nights, the nights on broadway, the Saturday nights, the night Chicago died. I can't thank you enough, music. You were there with us on the highway to hell, you were there when we were too hot too stop, you were there when Captain Jack made out with my best friend's girl and then they hopped the last train to Clarksville. You were there when Daniel and I said goodbye to the yellow brick road and went to the pilot with Bennie and the Jets. I may have been a bit of a problem child, but deep down I have always had you in my life. You were there for the changes and the fame, you were there at the crossroads, and you will be there at the end. Thank you music, for taking and chance on me, and for being a friend.

Love,

Dr. Love

Beverages I Enjoy

I like a nice beverage. Some I only like at certain times, but others I enjoy all the time. Here now is a list of some of my favorite beverages, and when I like them.

Miller High Life- This is my favorite low-end beer. I can enjoy it at a party where I don't need to impress anyone. I'll drink it as a tall boy, but I prefer it in a bottle. It is, after all, the Champagne of Beers.

Newcastle Brown Ale- I love this beer. It can be drunk on its own or with a meal. I have found it to be surprisingly good with Mexican food and burgers. Go figure!

Cutthroat Pale Ale- This is my favorite Utah microbrew. It is from the Uinta brewery and I think it is vastly better on tap than in a bottle. But if you twist my arm, I'll drink it out of the bottle.

Raspberry Lemonade Crystal Light- I mix up a pitcher of this a few times a week. It is so satisfyingly thirst quenching I can't even explain it. This goes well with a nice sandwich, chips and pickle. MMMMM.

Ginger Ale- This used to be my favorite drink, and I had it around all the time. I had to stop drinking it because of the sugar, hence the switch to Crystal Light. I'll only have it on special occasions like Christmas now. If you're having me over, Schweppes is my favorite. Canada Dry is swill. I'll drink jock strap sweat out of a shot glass before I drink Canada Dry.

Gin/Vodka and Tonic- A great summer beverage. A little G&T or V&T is a great way to relax on the deck at the cabin. Make sure to have it with a squeeze of lime.

Scotch and Soda- I don't need a really spendy Scotch, I like Dewars or Cutty Sark or McClelland's. This is what I enjoy in the fall and winter. I was told I needed a cold weather cocktail, and this is what I came up with. I also like it because the soda makes it bubbly.

Some Others I Enjoy-

Cherry Coke Zero

Dr. Pepper

Arizona Tea Arnold Palmer

Squatter's Full Suspension Pale Ale

Kilt Lifter Ale

Guinness (On St. Patrick's Day)

Damn, I'm thirsty. Happy drinking!

Movie of the Week

This week,

WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER (2001)

Starring- Janine Garofalo, David Hyde-Pierce, Paul Rudd, Michael Showalter, Amy Poehler

My friend Preston introduced me to this movie a few years ago, and I could not be more thankful to him. I was reluctant to watch it at first, but he was persistent and now I rank this film in my top five comedies of all time. I have even participated in two Wet Hot costume contests with friends because it is such a great cult classic. It is at th

e same time a spoof, satire, gross-out comedy, tribute to summer camp and showcase for young comedy talent. It is directed by David Wain who more recently brought us the funny film- Role Models. After you watch Wet Hot, go back and watch Role Models for the references to this movie.

It is the last day of camp in 1981 at Camp Firewood and there is an abundance of activity going on. In addition to the love triangle of Coop, Katie and Andy, there is the saga of Gene the cook and the can of vegetables, Victor and Neil's trip to Moose river, the talent show and a rogue piece of Skylab that threatens the whole camp.

Everyone in the film is hilarious. I don't want to spoil it if you haven't seen it because it needs to be watched for the first time without knowing too much. I knew about 4 minutes in that this was a very special comedy. If you've been to camp, you'll appreciate it even more, but it will still be funny if you never even came close to going to summer camp. By the way, the soundtrack kicks ass!

Things to Watch For-

Law and Order SVU's Christopher Meloni as Gene

Rachel Clipper-Hofferman

The Hangover's Bradley Cooper as Ben

Dick Cream, Sweaters, Mud and the Fridge

"The New Way"

"In your dreams, Douchebag."

"Douchebags are hygenic products, I take that as a compliment."

Below is me and my friends as Wet Hot peeps-

"Next time, you drive the van."